Thursday, February 15, 2007

February 15th, 2007 Hipster Convention is Not Appreciated

"I have an emergency announcement."

That's what the lip-ringed, Kangol-hat wearing douchebag said today twenty minutes into my 11 am class. (As a sidenote, there is definitely something about lip rings and ironic t-shirt that makes me think an individual is a smart, savvy politico). Was there a fire? Was Osama bin Laden found? Had TrimSpa found a new celebrity spokeswoman? No. The emergency announcement had to deal with the protest to be staged at noon that day.

What the hell is the emergency? There's no new information here. These idiots had posted flyers all over campus telling people to walk out of classes today in order to demonstrate that they don't like war.

Are you kidding me? What the hell is walking out of class going to do? As my infinitely wise suite-mate, the Terminator, said: "If you're going to walk out of something or strike something, you need to strike the people you're protesting. What is leaving class going to do other than piss off your professors?"

Then, to compound this obnoxiousness, these jerks pulled the fire alarm in Hamilton Hall. Way to go, dickheads. Now we have to hear that awful sound just because you think that whining about the Iraq War is important enough that EVERYTHING ELSE MUST STOP FOR A HIPSTER-EMERGENCY.

Now I don't think you'll find anyone on this god forsaken planet who thinks that Iraq is going well. But whether you are conservative or liberal or anything else, you should recognize one very simple truth: organizing on a college campus to demonstrate something which people already know (ie that Columbia students don't like Bush) is a waste of fucking time.

When I left class I was greeted with the sound of some schmuck on a megaphone yelling how "THIS. HAS. TO. STOP." Wow. Very inspiring, MLK. Did you stay up all night burning the midnight oil thinking about that line? Such rhetorical genius. I dare say that Cicero himself would have shed golden tears of glory had he heard your voice crooning from the bullhorn, stretching out across campus to touch the hearts of the noble Columbia students.

Get real. It's an unwritten rule that if you're going to get on a megaphone, you need to say something worth hearing. A prime example of this is how at the beginning of the Fall 06 semester some buddies and I decided to spend a rainy afternoon during orientation week by shotgunning beers on the stoop of our frat house and heckling passers-by through my sweet, sweet megaphone which I bought on eBay. For some reason, the administration told us we could no longer use the megaphone for such events.

But this is allowed? Clear prejudice. Hipsters and other douches are favored by the administration, but why? It is we, the non-hipsters, who will go on to become high-powered individuals with the financial means to support this institution. Why should Columbia alienate the future donors?

It doesn't even matter. What matters is how ridiculous these events are. Why do people show up to protests? They can't actually think that they're making a difference. They most likely go just to say they were there. I bet they keep scrapbooks full of photos of them protesting various things such as "War," "Anger," "Men," and "Dressing like a normal human being and not some transexual retard." I hear that last one was well attended by Barnard students.

It reminds me of "The Dundies," an episode of the US version of "The Office" where Steve Carell gives out awards to everyone in the office. What's the point of gathering to give your group of associates awards? If the award is so freely given, isn't the ceremony likewise spurious? These protests amount to little more than organized group masturbation.

Hipster #1: We're really political because we're protesting.
Hipster #2: I know, we're so deep.
#1: Dude, we should make out.
#2: "Dude" is such a bourgeois term you sheep.
#1: Well we should still make out.
#2: Totally.

Or at least that's how I imagine it happens in my homoerotic hipster fantasies.

As annoying as it is, it is avoidable. That is until I tried to go to 212 for a delicious Alexander Hamilton's Roast Beef Mexicali. Evidently the Hipsters pulled the Lerner fire alarm too. As a result, 212 had to close temporarily.

Alright, fags, now it's personal. Look, I'm sorry your father doesn't love you. I'm sorry the jocks in high school made fun of you. I'm sorry you didn't get the Derelicte campaign. But so help me God, if you sons of bitches ever get between me and my mexical roast beef again, I will personally cut off the last vestiges of your balls. This is an outrage so mind-blowing that I still can't believe it happened.

I hope the organizers of this protest get expelled for the fire alarms. I'm going to start protesting their continued existence at this university via my own megaphone from the stoop. SHOTGUN!