To the hobo using my money to buy crack

Dear homeless man to whom I give money outside the Famiglia,

Let's be honest with each other. Let's put all the cards on the table, ok? I've been giving you money for two years now. Whether it's because you need food, or you need to get on the subway, or whatever, I've given it to you. Know what else? I've given it to you knowing full well that you're just going to go to the alley behind the Rite Aid and buy some crack rock. You don't need a slice of Pizza. I know you sure as hell aren't going up to the homeless shelter on 168th (because there is none, you sly devil). But I'm not trying to get you to change your ways. Far from it. All I'm saying is, maybe smoke me out sometime.

In all the time I've known you, you have not once invited me to breathe deeply of the sweet, sweet crack vapors I've been providing you. What gives? Is it my white skin? My collared shirts and ironed slacks? My Ivy-League class ring? Because if you're judging me, brother, then take your judging elsewhere, because I gotta have that crack.

It's true. How do you think I know about Big Jeffrey who sells behind the Rite-Aid? I'm practically his biggest customer! I've been using his services since he started slingin' rock back in '03. This one time, I smoked so much crack rock that I went crazy for a couple weeks. My boss had me declared legally dead. Good times!

Anyway, bud, I'd really appreciate it if the next time I give you a couple bucks as I'm walking down the street, you say, "Hey, man, would you like to smoke some ice with me?" Because yes...yes I would.

Sincerely,
Mortimer G Thornock, III

Question 3 on Earth, Moon and Planets Final

3b) What are spring and neap tides? How do they occur?

My answer: Spring Tide is the floral/grassy-scented laundry detergent marketed in grocery and drug stores starting in March each year. Neap Tide hasn't been invented yet.

True story. That's what you get when you skip an entire semester of classes and have no idea what the hell he's talking about.

"Primal Scream" Is Retarded

At midnight, on the eve of the first day of finals week at Columbia, countless freshmen open their windows and scream, rendering it impossible for upstanding members of the undergraduate community such as myself to focus on the Scrubs episodes we're trying to watch on our computers (Geniuses don't study - we watch Scrubs). The most annoying thing about this tradition, in my opinion, is that it seems like the only source of it is wikipedia.

On Columbia's wikipedia page, it lists "Primal Scream" as a tradition. It then goes on to say that this "tradition" is also performed at approximately THIRTY-THOUSAND other schools. How can we claim something so ubiquitous as a tradition? We might as well claim that it's a Columbia tradition to have Mathematics classes.

This year, people staged pillow fights at the same time as "Primal Scream." At least this is showing a little originality.

A simple request, though, directed to the freshmen: stop your goddamn screaming. If you want to relieve stress you should either drink a few beers, have sex, or follow my Bored@Butler instructions. Yelling doesn't relieve stress. It adds stress...to me. The Greatest Happiness Principle is violated as I am worse off and you are as pathetic as ever.

So next time it's "Primal Scream," make sure you decide to fully participate and head over to the pillow fight after you're done whining. I'll be waiting for you with a sack full of doorknobs. That's how I relieve stress.

Get Off My Campus

Picture Stolen from Bwog

Dear High School Students,

Are you having a good time polluting South Lawn?

I bet it's real exciting coming in from Long Island to spend a whole day on a real college campus. Know what else is real exciting? Sunny days. Best part about sunny days? Getting to play Wiffle Ball outside. Except now we can't because you guys are too busy bringing sparkle motion to Morningside Heights.

What the hell are you doing here? I know that you think you're doing something for a good cause. I would like to tell you that you are wrong. While ALS is a terrible disease, putting up sparkly, distracting pinwheels all over the lawn is not going to do anything about it. But I'm sure everyone in Butler (that's the name of our library, you would know that if you had any business here) is really appreciative of the gesture. Nothing brings a college community together like thousands of flashing lights.

Did I mention that we have finals this week?

Yeah, finals. As in college finals, not the New York State Regents exams that you kids have to take. These are actual tests that we aren't prepared for. As college students, we retain the right to wait until the very last minute to study for our tests because there are days when we just don't want to go to class. You high schoolers don't have that right, because if you don't go to class, Mommy and Daddy can be fined or, gasp, they can go to jail!

What's certain, though, is that whoever invited you clowns to my beloved campus ought to go to jail. It's bad enough that we have Barnard students and families spending there time here, we don't need obnoxious high-schoolers running around. Even if you are an admit to the class of 2011 - wait your goddamn turn.

Sincerely,
Mortimer G Thornock, III

2007 Guide to Not Studying For Your Finals

I still have a few pages to go on a paper before I can even start studying for the five finals I have in the next week, but we know that the more work one has to do, the better it feels to procrastinate. My last guide is still as relevant as ever (check archives) but for Columbia students there is now something even better than masturbation, whale adoption, or Alf: Bored@Butler.

For most people, Bored@Butler (http://www.boredatbutler.com) serves as an outlet for sexual frustration, depression, and boredom. For the truly gifted, though, B@B, as it is affectionately known, can be so much more. It can be the most hilarious website on the entire internet as long as you know what you are doing.

I can't reveal all of the weapons in my mighty arsenal, but I can give you a list of a few things to try out the next time you need a quick laugh at the expense of Columbia nerds.

1. Highjack Conversations
This is the most basic (and, perhaps, obvious) tactic. One of the primary functions of B@B is to facillitate communication between bridge-building SEAS students and the lesser-attractive Barnard girls. Often, they will discuss meeting one another. This is when you strike! You need to add disinformation and chaos to the conversation by pretending to be one of the interested parties. Here are some good ways to jump in (remember, this is after both have already agreed to meet):

"Oooh, are you cool with skipping on the condom? I gots to feel it."
"By the way, baby, in accordance with Megan's law, I am required by law to tell you that I am a registered sex offender."

Or, another good one is to confused them both by saying:

"You're a girl, right?"

This introduces so much confusion that these poor unfortunate souls will abandon the project altogether. Is this a little mean? Yeah, but for a five-second thrill, it's worth it.

2. Trick People into Going Somewhere Late at Night

This is perhaps the cruellest method. It is also the most hilarious, as long as you're a shameless misanthrope.

If you're on at 2 in the morning or later, strike up a conversation with the loneliest sounding person currently posting. Tell them that you could really go for pizza. Not just any pizza, though. You need Grimaldi's. In Brooklyn. Tell the person you will meet them there. Laugh because they are going to Brooklyn and you are not!

3. Have a heated conversation with yourself

This is the best option when it's a slow night at B@B. If people are being boring (ie not talking about what you want to talk about) then you need to spice things up a bit. The best subjects to talk about are:

• Beastiality
• Jon-Benet Ramsey
• Racial issues
  
• etc
  

The point is to be as inflammatory as possible. When people start commenting, ignore them. Simply turn up the heat and watch as the ridiculous pussies at this school start freaking out. For extra credit, "challenge" your worthy adversary to a fight outside Butler. See if anybody actually gets up and walks out after you say this. Remember any such individuals because now you know who else in the room is looking at B@B instead of studying.

I may post more ideas later. Try these out for now.