Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Guide to Not Studying for your Final

The worst possible place a college student can be is that place where the only thing that separates him (or her, if you're masculinity-challenged) from summer is the last final exam.

After four months of classes, papers, quizzes, midterms and other finals, the only thing which is keeping me from diving to the hazy depths of endless alcohol abuse is one final exam in what is perhaps the most ludicrous subject of all time: 20th Century Poetry. Poetry itself isn't ludicrous. In fact, I consider myself something of a poet. What is ludicrous is the simple fact that one can suggest we take a final exam on Poetry.

How are you supposed to study for this? Memorize the poems? There are hundreds of poems on the reading list! Most of them aren't even any good (I'm looking at you, Auden).

Attempting to study for such an exam is a journey into the darkest reaches of the Absurd. The more time I dedicate to studying, the more I am convinced that studying is unnecessary. The less time I spend studying, the more I am convinced that I'm going to fail.

Therefore, I've perfected my method for Studying Avoidance. Here are the top 10 ways to not waste your time studying for a test for which it is impossible to truly study while saving your conscience from guilt.

10. Masturbate. Furiously.

9. Stare hopelessly at the trash which you have strewn about your room over the course of the entire semester. Wonder how it got there. Get angry at yourself for putting it there. Get angry at Long Island Iced Teas for making you think it was a good idea to put it there. Don't do anything about it. Repeat.

8. Listen to the hard-hitting rock anthems of the 80's. I recommend "Kickstart My Heart" by Motley Crue and "Youth Gone Wild" by Skid Row. Grow out your hair and be misunderstood by adults everywhere, especially your parents. Raise your fist in the air, triumphantly, and ask whatever city you're in if its ready to rock.

7. Adopt a whale.

6. Upon the whale's delivery to you, sell to Japanese whale dealers, where your humpback friend will be used for food, clothing, energy, decoration, and the aggravation of PETA. Don't feel bad...you adopted the whale, which meant that it was an orphan with no family or friends, so nobody is going to be upset with you.

5. Masturbate, although this time put on some slow jams and light some candles. Convince yourself that you're still heterosexual.

4. Read the wikipedia entry on Alf. No, not the Animal Liberation Front, but Alf, the lovable alien of sitcom fame. There's lots you can learn about him. For instance, did you know that when Alf was in high school back on his alien planet, he played Boullabaiseball? Whacky! Also, you can edit the page yourself, which is a fun way to get involved in Alf culture if you live in a remote area and don't have access to any Alf-oriented activities.

Get really wasted and drunk dial your middle school girlfriend, especially if it's the middle of the day or the early evening. She'll never see it coming and, who knows, you may get lucky!

2. Alphabetize your books, DVDS, video games, CDs, and furniture. Following this, talk to your doctor about OCD and how Zoloft can help.

1. Try to find the ugliest person possible using Google image search. This tried and true method is hands down the best way to not study for your final exam. My winner so far? THIS GUY:

WH Auden. Ugliest Poet Ever?

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