Sunday, April 29, 2007

The Killers Guilty Only of Eardrumocide

After yesterday's Beirut Tournament, in which Terminator and I made it to the semi-finals, we decided to go to MSG to see The Killers. Only problem: the show was sold out and we didn't have tickets.

Not so much of a problem for the Terminator. After sweet talking the people at MSG, we got in to one of the Sky Boxes. Free booze, free food...and some families.

At this point I should probably tell you that I was drunk. Hammered drunk, really. Five hours of Beirut will do that to you. Needless to say, the fact that there were two 11 year old girls in the Sky Box was probably not a good thing. I'm sure they couldn't understand why I kept dropping hot dogs and spilling mustard all over myself. Their fathers didn't appreciate it when we tried to strike up conversations with them.

So I was drunk, big deal. When there's a fridge full of frosty brewdogs, though, you know that stopping is out of the question.

That's when more people showed up to the box. This time, they were young-adultish employees of the company that owned the box. It must have been a pretty funny sight. Employees, their dates, their familes...and some 21-year old freeloaders double-fisting Bud Light with mustard on their faces. God Bless America.

The Killers were opened by some Beatles impersonators. Their voices were spot on - I mean it really sounded like The Beatles - but what the fuck? When we saw Guns N Roses, they were opened by Sebastian Bach. That makes sense, because they're the same era, genre, etc.

Having "The Beatles" open for The Killers probably went over most people's heads, but not mine. Since I am aware that Brandon Flowers (Killers Frontman) fancies himself a god, this was clearly his attempt to place his group above the legendary British rock outfit. In other words, Brandon Flowers is fucking insane.

It was funny, especially because I actually enjoyed the Beatles guys more than I did The Killers.
The Killers' music was way too loud and they were only playing the weaker songs from their latest album, Sam's Town. Incidentally, Flowers claimed that this would be one of the best Rock albums of the past two decades. Sure, pal. And The Beatles, if they were around today, would be opening for you, too.

We ended up leaving early because we were sick of the noise emanating from the stage. I considered myself a fan of The Killers, but I don't think I'd be able to go to their concert ever again. Or, if I had to, I'd probably avoid heavy drinking in the afternoon.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Best Facebook Group Ever

There is a facebook group called "8th Graders need to back off 9th grade guys especially other peoples BF's." It is the single greatest facebook creation known to man.

Unfortunately, the creator, a girl from Brearley, has closed the group and made it "secret," so there is no reason for me to be telling you about this group other than to rub in your face the fact that it is too late for you to join the hilarity.

Update: The creator has dismantled the wall and discussion group, rendering the group no longer hilarious. Obviously thousands of people have friend-requested her today.

ABC Family Has No Place Here

Today, while I was hanging out in the common room of our fraternity house, three girls wearing orange t-shirts let themselves in. The orange t-shirts said "ABC Family - GREEK" on them. I didn't like where this was going.

They introduced themselves but I wasn't able to catch their names as I was too busy trying to hide my disgust at their affected chipperness. They then asked how I was doing and got to the chase.

Turns out there's going to be a new TV show (they insisted it wasn't "reality tv") about Greek Life on America's college campuses. What did they want from me? They wanted to know if I or anyone in my houses wanted to talk for a minute or so ON CAMERA about our "craziest college experiences." That is a direct goddamn quote.

I couldn't believe this. Now, perhaps my "crazy college experiences" have been different from the majority's, but I simply don't see a story about a random weekend for me ending up in a half hour timeslot between reruns of Sister Sister and Full House. Something tells me that videos of my buddies and I pounding shots of Jagermeister and bringing shame to our familes wouldn't fare well on a channel which is dedicated to the non-threatening programming of the mid-90s.

I told them "No, we are not interested in something like that." They didn't believe me.

They said "Oh, but you can win a walk on part in a tv show." Great. I can play "Guy in Starbucks" on the next episode of Roswell or something.

Then they offered these things which are basically Solo Cups which hang on your door.

Consider that for a moment. ABC Family is handing out Solo Cup paraphenalia. Chocolate Milk Beirut, anyone?

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

The 212 Workers Are Awful

Almost every time I'm on the line at 212, the surprisingly delicious sandwich place in Lerner, I'm forced to wait longer than I have to because of loafing employees.

Before you try to interrupt me - no, they aren't on "break." They'll literally be standing there doing absolutely nothing for one or two minutes until they suddenly say "Next," with an impatience so obnoxiously undeserved that I want to reach over the counter and smack them. Except I can't, because I would probably get myself a disciplinary hearing.

The ones who stand at the registers, staring blankly into space for minutes at a time until they decide they want to go back to work are bad enough. The worst, though, are the ones who hide behind the partition which separates the main area from the back area. They will peek out every so often, notice that there is a line, but stay back there chatting with their fellow workers about God knows what.

Now I have worked shitty jobs before. I have. But I WORKED at those shitty jobs. I didn't stand around talking about nails and god knows what.

The people at the Lerner Hall Mail Center are just as bad. Even though there's a line of 20 people, only one person will be working while the rest are just hanging out. They aren't oblivious to us, either. They know we're waiting and they let us wait.

Well I can't wait for the day when these people need surgery and all the Columbia-educated doctors are too busy playing grab ass to operate.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Me too me too me too

<- What? "Today, we are all Hokies?" Really? Not me. Last I checked I was a Columbia student with no real connection to Virginia Tech or any of its students.

Do I consider Virginia Tech a tragedy? Absolutely. Do I wish it hadn't happened? Absolutely. Do I hope Cho Seung-hui burns in hell? Absolutely.

Am I going to change my facebook picture (already a trivial element of existence) to reflect my opinion on a national tragedy? No.

I have two problems with this. The first is that a facebook picture is meant to be fun, stupid, embarrassing, whatever. As a corollary, any time you put something serious up there, you necessarily trivialize that issue. Oh, you're serious enough about the Blacksburg Massacre to adopt a ridiculous "solidarity" posture on your facebook profile? Damn, dawg, let's rub our LiveStrong bracelets together and talk about how VTech has affected us so much.

The second problem I have is related to this last point: people need to stop co-opting tragedies. It happened on 9/11, it's happening now. If you were affected by this, my heart and prayers go out to you. Seriously. But if you're so bored with your life that you need to act like you're a part of this, then you can go right to hell.

Sunday, April 08, 2007


In a city of 8 million people with immigrants from all over the world, why is it so hard to find decent Chinese food? Especially in Morningside Heights there are no legitimate, consistent options for Chinese. By Chinese I of course mean Chinese, Japanese, and Thai, but not Korean because fuck that shit.

The only semi-legitimate option is what I like to call "Wack Chinese" from the Wien food court. The problem is that the idiots in charge are getting rid of the food court to make room for a "lounge." I love how they say they're going to "make" a lounge, which is basically an exercise in negating the space. Nothing is going to be added except for couches that nobody will use and instead we will all be worse off for not having wack Chinese to eat. Also, what is going to happen to the old, black guy who works there. I like to call him "Shakes McGee" because he has trouble keeping still. Yes, I realize how bad that sounds, but I don't care because it's hilarious. What's going to happen to Shakes? They took away his medical license so he can't go back to neurosurgery. He's going to go hungry because some kids need a university-sponsored lounge in order to feel like they're enjoying themselves.

With Wack Chinese gone there will be no legitimate Chinese (et al) left in Morningside Heights. Let's take a look at the available options. I am going to number them not because some are deserving of higher numbers, but because I like lists.

1. Ollie's - The last time I ordered from Ollie's it tasted like vomit. That's not a hyperbolic simile - it tasted like regurgitate. I felt as if I was eating food marinated in the wok with Bruce Lee's bile and puked up dog bits. Bizarrely, and appropriately enough I suppose, the two Ollie's that are further down Broadway are great. Despite this and perhaps because of it, I award our Ollie's zero points.

2. China Place - Aside from having the most boring name possible, their food is also as boring as possible. Everyone knows that the main ingredient in Chinese food is love - you need to hug the flavor into General Tso's chicken. Without this you're left with rubbery meat in nondescript orange sauce. They even get the rice wrong - how can you fuck up rice? It tastes like pellets of overcooked unhappiness. Zero again.

3. Caffe Swish - The first non-Chinese Chinese place on the list, Swish is known for discriminatory hirying practices. Specifically, they won't hire you if you're a decent human being. You need to be rude even by New York standards to qualify for employment here. The food is decent most of the time but the sushi is wack (and not good wack like wack chinese or taco bell RIP dawg) and the fountain soda tastes like bad medicine and not the Bon Jovi kind but the robitussin kind.

4. Empire/Concord - I have to rate these together because I can't tell them apart. Both have amazingly bad food. I often see one of them (I can't remember which) when walking down Amsterdam and I'm even more appalled by the appearance of the place. I almost cried when I saw the origins of my one-time-meal of Pepper Steak with Onions (as opposed to onion steak with peppers?). Stay away. Avoid at all costs. If you see a friend about to order it, steal the cell phone and break it. He'll thank you.

5. Wai Lee - unadulterated suffering. Misery in its purest form. I would take my hat off to this accomplishment except I've suffered at the hands of Wai Lee so it's personal. Rumor has it that Jack Bauer uses Wai Lee as the ultimate torture mechanism.

There are so many more, but I'm depressing myself by recalling all of this tragedy. Also, I need to go to Carnegie Hall to see a fucking high school band play because instead of seeing a concert for the report due Monday on a regular weekend night, I put it off til sunday so that I could preserve drinking opportunities. This is my life.