Monday, September 03, 2007

Columbia Let Everyone in for 2011 Except This Guy

Dear Paul,

We regret to inform you that your application to Columbia University has not been accepted. While we here at Columbia appreciate your enthusiasm and interest, there were numerous problems with your application that left us no choice but to reject you for admission to the Class of 2011. In order that this may be a worthwhile learning experience for you, I am going to discuss in this letter exactly where you went wrong in your pursuit of admission. Hopefully, by understanding the problems with your application (and they are numerous), you will be able to regroup and apply successfully to another university.

The first problem was that under the section marked "Name" you scribbled, nearly illegibly, "P-Train, word." While such a moniker might be acceptable with your friends in the Long Island suburbs, it is hardly appropriate for an application to an Ivy League institution. You will notice that I addressed you at the top of this letter as "Paul," which, frankly, I'm not even sure is your real name, but since you didn't include your real name anywhere I was forced to guess. Needless to say, we had great difficulty taking the remainder of your application seriously, but, perhaps out of curiosity more than anything, we soldiered on nonetheless.

Under address, you listed Perhaps we weren't clear enough on this point, but we had intended for you to list an actual address where we could send this rejection letter. Luckily, one of our students was able to find your address on your aforementioned myspace profile, as you had listed it in case people wanted to send donations to your "Hedge Fund." I'm no expert on the financial services industry, but I'm not sure this is the typical way Hedge Fund managers raise money. I would likewise advise against attempting to raise said capital on the same myspace profile where you post pictures of you and your friends with a few dozen spent cans of whipped cream. It reeks of unprofessionalism.

Following on, you listed under extracurricular activities "Droppin' mad f-bombs," "Slingin' rock in the 'jects" and "Straight chillin'." We generally look for things like fencing, student government, poetry writing, or some sort of political activism. It is irregular for a candidate for admission to list such unique interests and we were quite frankly puzzled by your decision to include them. We strive to achieve a certain level of diversity in each of our incoming classes, but this is beyond us. Additionally, I'm not sure I believe that there are any projects in Garden City, NY where you could "sling rock." However, I don't know this for sure, so I will reserve judgment.

Your submission for the admissions essay was also spectacularly inappropriate. Our prompt, "Tell us about a time when you overcame adversity," is a relatively general question that is asked by numerous universities every year. Despite the ease with which anyone could answer such a question, you were relentless in your pursuit of absurdity and elected to write "My P.O. tellin me I need a nine to five / But I already got a job and that's stayin' alive / And I love it. -Young Jeezy, word." I assume "P.O." is short for "Parole Officer." Why didn't you take this opportunity to talk about overcoming your legal troubles? It's baffling.

You claim to have received a 9000 on your SAT, but we find this unlikely. Generally speaking, the maximum score one can achieve is 2400, which, according to my estimate, is an almost unattainable score for someone who enjoys dropping "mad f-bombs" while he's "straight chilling" in the "jects" looking to hustle some ice. We didn't even bother to check with the College Board because such an inquisition would have born no fruit and would have undoubtedly caused considerable embarrasment on our part. Honestly, I'd be shocked beyond belief if you'd even heard of the SAT, let alone taken it. Do you even go to school?

In the vast majority of entry fields, such as "AP Classes," "Favorite Books" and "Siblings," you wrote, in all capitals, "YOU CAN'T STOP THE REIGN." While I'm sure I can't, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Finally, your inclusion of a nude picture was simply unnecessary.

We wish you the best of luck with your college search. I wouldn't hold your breath, though.


Arthur C Studebaker-Clark
Dean of Admissions
Columbia University


Anonymous said...

hahahaha oh my god, if that's real, that's quite simply the most amazing 4 paragraphs of literature i've ever had the pleasure of reading. God bless arrogance, god bless political correctness and the never end search to acheive it.

Adrienne said...

woah, is this real?

Mortimer G. Thornock, III said...

no its not real i wrote it