Get Off My Campus

Picture Stolen from Bwog

Dear High School Students,

Are you having a good time polluting South Lawn?

I bet it's real exciting coming in from Long Island to spend a whole day on a real college campus. Know what else is real exciting? Sunny days. Best part about sunny days? Getting to play Wiffle Ball outside. Except now we can't because you guys are too busy bringing sparkle motion to Morningside Heights.

What the hell are you doing here? I know that you think you're doing something for a good cause. I would like to tell you that you are wrong. While ALS is a terrible disease, putting up sparkly, distracting pinwheels all over the lawn is not going to do anything about it. But I'm sure everyone in Butler (that's the name of our library, you would know that if you had any business here) is really appreciative of the gesture. Nothing brings a college community together like thousands of flashing lights.

Did I mention that we have finals this week?

Yeah, finals. As in college finals, not the New York State Regents exams that you kids have to take. These are actual tests that we aren't prepared for. As college students, we retain the right to wait until the very last minute to study for our tests because there are days when we just don't want to go to class. You high schoolers don't have that right, because if you don't go to class, Mommy and Daddy can be fined or, gasp, they can go to jail!

What's certain, though, is that whoever invited you clowns to my beloved campus ought to go to jail. It's bad enough that we have Barnard students and families spending there time here, we don't need obnoxious high-schoolers running around. Even if you are an admit to the class of 2011 - wait your goddamn turn.

Sincerely,
Mortimer G Thornock, III