Sunday, May 06, 2007

"Primal Scream" Is Retarded

At midnight, on the eve of the first day of finals week at Columbia, countless freshmen open their windows and scream, rendering it impossible for upstanding members of the undergraduate community such as myself to focus on the Scrubs episodes we're trying to watch on our computers (Geniuses don't study - we watch Scrubs). The most annoying thing about this tradition, in my opinion, is that it seems like the only source of it is wikipedia.

On Columbia's wikipedia page, it lists "Primal Scream" as a tradition. It then goes on to say that this "tradition" is also performed at approximately THIRTY-THOUSAND other schools. How can we claim something so ubiquitous as a tradition? We might as well claim that it's a Columbia tradition to have Mathematics classes.

This year, people staged pillow fights at the same time as "Primal Scream." At least this is showing a little originality.

A simple request, though, directed to the freshmen: stop your goddamn screaming. If you want to relieve stress you should either drink a few beers, have sex, or follow my Bored@Butler instructions. Yelling doesn't relieve stress. It adds me. The Greatest Happiness Principle is violated as I am worse off and you are as pathetic as ever.

So next time it's "Primal Scream," make sure you decide to fully participate and head over to the pillow fight after you're done whining. I'll be waiting for you with a sack full of doorknobs. That's how I relieve stress.

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