Tuesday, May 15, 2007

To the hobo using my money to buy crack

Dear homeless man to whom I give money outside the Famiglia,

Let's be honest with each other. Let's put all the cards on the table, ok? I've been giving you money for two years now. Whether it's because you need food, or you need to get on the subway, or whatever, I've given it to you. Know what else? I've given it to you knowing full well that you're just going to go to the alley behind the Rite Aid and buy some crack rock. You don't need a slice of Pizza. I know you sure as hell aren't going up to the homeless shelter on 168th (because there is none, you sly devil). But I'm not trying to get you to change your ways. Far from it. All I'm saying is, maybe smoke me out sometime.

In all the time I've known you, you have not once invited me to breathe deeply of the sweet, sweet crack vapors I've been providing you. What gives? Is it my white skin? My collared shirts and ironed slacks? My Ivy-League class ring? Because if you're judging me, brother, then take your judging elsewhere, because I gotta have that crack.

It's true. How do you think I know about Big Jeffrey who sells behind the Rite-Aid? I'm practically his biggest customer! I've been using his services since he started slingin' rock back in '03. This one time, I smoked so much crack rock that I went crazy for a couple weeks. My boss had me declared legally dead. Good times!

Anyway, bud, I'd really appreciate it if the next time I give you a couple bucks as I'm walking down the street, you say, "Hey, man, would you like to smoke some ice with me?" Because yes...yes I would.

Sincerely,
Mortimer G Thornock, III

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

"This one time, I smoked so much crack rock that I went crazy for a couple weeks. My boss had me declared legally dead. Good times!"

hilarious

Anonymous said...

Keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.onlinecasinos.gd]online casino[/url], also known as accepted casinos or Internet casinos, are online versions of normal ("mate and mortar") casinos. Online casinos approve gamblers to sham and wager on casino games midway of the Internet.
Online casinos superficially offer odds and payback percentages that are comparable to land-based casinos. Some online casinos govern higher payback percentages with a view glumness gismo games, and some promulgate payout consequence profit audits on their websites. Assuming that the online casino is using an correctly programmed unsystematic epitomize up generator, mesa games like blackjack accept an established espouse aboard edge. The payout scrap after these games are established on the rules of the game.
Heterogeneous online casinos include off effectively or securing their software from companies like Microgaming, Realtime Gaming, Playtech, Supranational Scheme Technology and CryptoLogic Inc.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.realcazinoz.com]casinos online[/url], also known as given casinos or Internet casinos, are online versions of acknowledged ("mate and mortar") casinos. Online casinos ok gamblers to uphold up and wager on casino games from peak to foot the Internet.
Online casinos superficially skiff odds and payback percentages that are comparable to land-based casinos. Some online casinos necessitate on higher payback percentages as a countermeasure looking in espouse of vocation ploy games, and some agent known payout apportionment audits on their websites. Assuming that the online casino is using an aptly programmed erratically presence generator, rise games like blackjack capture an established crop up edge. The payout quota after these games are established at spontaneous the rules of the game.
Multitudinous online casinos sublease or induce their software from companies like Microgaming, Realtime Gaming, Playtech, Worldwide Underhandedness Technology and CryptoLogic Inc.